Toxins: A Series of Stupid Stories About Trainers
by Fartass The Almighty
Summary: It's a little known fact that Dream Mist is the same molecules as tetrahydracannabinol, in a different arrangement. Sophocles gets one and invites his friend Elio over to see it. This may not end well...
1. The Buildening

A trainer clad in Kommo-o scales walks up to his best friend Sophocles' observatory.

As you would guess, this is our hero, Elio, a great inventor.

"All right, what did you call me up here for?"

"I got a Musharna off of Wonder Trade! Those don't even exist in Alola!"

"Really? Let me see it."

Five minutes later, Elio was spazzing out on the floor, eyes bloodshot. You thought this was gonna be one of THOSE fics, didn't you? **NOPE**!

"Dude...we should build a robot!"

"Don't...don't say anything until the Dream Mist wears off."

"No, man, I'm serious! We're both super smart! We can do it!"

"Fine. But we're gonna wait until that mist gets out of your system. It's gonna take a week. And a lot of Worry Seeds."

And so they did, staying up off of Worry Seed in Sophocles' part of the observatory for the next few weeks.

"...okay, so the control panel goes here, and the Electrium Z goes here.."

"...alright, so I use this algorithm for the character incubation system..."

"...spring loaded arms, for a powerful punch under duress…"

"...you said to put the wingding projectors behind the eyes, right?"

"Can you get your Gellin over here? I want to test something…"

After seven days it was done. What was it? The duo called it the Databolic Absorption Operating System, or DAOS for short.

It was a robotic skeleton with the same proportions as a regular trainer and clear skin that took on an appearance after data was plugged in. It had two metallic circular markings between the ears and chin that stayed no matter what appearance it took. It also had x-ed out eyes. It was basically born of weed and caffeine, so some weird stuff was bound to get into it. A mechanism behind the eyes gave it the ability to show symbols in them, such as hearts, a blue screen of death, or, when it has almost no battery life left, Xs. The way it works is you select 255 characters and it mixes up a little bit from each of them. It charges using not a plug or some other power source, but cytoplasm from Elio's Gellin, Blobber. Gellin is the largest single celled Pokemon on the planet, an Electric/Grass type. Due to its typing, its cytoplasm has a lot of electrical charge in it and this charge is what the DAOS runs on. Plus, it smells like grass clippings. It can call its lost parts back and rebuild itself in a flash, so long as an Electrium Z and Magnet stay hooked up. The pupils and irises of the robot turn blue when at 20% or so battery left.

"All right! Thanks, man! I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow! That's how long it should take for the character to develop!"

"Wait, WHAT?! You're just TAKING it?! We worked all flipping week on this aaand never mind, I need a nap."

Elio dragged the wagon containing the DAOS down to the base of Mt Hokulani in fear that Charizard would not be able to support a heavy load. Gellin cytoplasm was HEAVY. He put the idea out of his head and flew to his house on Melemele anyway. Believe it or not, it worked. This Ride Charizard in particular had Belly Drum, which makes it IMMENSELY strong.

"Alright, just gotta sneak this in. I wanna surprise everyone!"

"Hey, bro." Selene walked into the room. Bad timing. "D-did you KILL someone?!"

Elio looked back at the sheet-covered wagon. "True, it does KIND of look like a dead body under there. This is a robot, actually."

"Oh. GIMME THE TABLET!"

"NO! I stayed up for a week building this thing! Give it back!"

And the two of them scuffled on the floor for a bit, until Selene emerged victorious and ran off.

"At least let me show you how to use it!"

"Fine. How do you work this?"

"Okay, first you select a gender."

"A girl, obviously."

"Now choose a character. Out of ANY ONE IN THE WORLD."

"What?! How do I decide?! Oh heck, I'm just gonna choose Chowder."

"Good. Now repeat step two 254 more times."

"WHAT?!"

Selene took very, VERY long choosing the right mix. So long, in fact, that everyone else was long asleep by the time she almost finished.

At the bottom of the dropdowns, there was a 256th one that said "RELEGATE TO PRESERVATIVE INSTINCT."

"Eh? What on earth is this?"

She pressed the information button.

"THIS CHARACTER IS ONLY USED WHEN THE DAOS IS UNDER GREAT DURESS. IT IS ADVISED TO CHOOSE A STRONG CHRACTER."

"Oh. Now what's the strongest character I've seen? I know! Galacta Knight!"

This may not end well….

The next day, Elio got up as early as possible to check what Selene plugged into the machine.

"Good. It's already starting to form a face and appearance."

The DAOS in question had taken on the appearance of a white trainer with brown pigtails, still keeping the X-ed out eyes.

"….No. NO. NONONONO. SELENE! GET IN HERE!"

"What is it? Make it quick so I can snooze the rest of this day away."

"WHY ARE THERE JUST CUTE STUPID CHARACTERS IN HERE?! IT NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO FLIPPING DEFEND ITSELF! ARE ALL GIRLS INCAPABLE OF THINKING EVEN THE SLIGHTEST TOUGH THOUGHTS?!"

"What?! All of that cuteness has gotta have SOME positive effect on both of us."

"Pfft. Fine. It'll be ready around 2 today. It's too late to turn back anyway. I'm going to go turn some idiots at the Battle Tree into lunchmeat with Belly Bash. Call me when it reaches 95% percent or so."

Eight hours later, it was almost time.

Elio, Belly Bash, and Luna (Elio's Shiny Gardevoir) slid into the house on their faces. Don't ask me how that was possible.

"Yeesh. What happened to you guys?"

"Stealth Rock." Elio mumbled dejectedly into the floor.

"Ouch. Well, the display said it's at 98 percent."

"Okay." Elio dragged himself into the room where the DAOS was located. While still on the floor. That kid's gonna need a Burn Heal at best.

It was at that moment that the DAOS booted up for the first time. Elio had managed to hoist himself off of the floor. It stared at them with blank eyes. You know that air of mystery you meet someone and they run away? The robot seemed to radiate that at first….and that all went out the window when it spoke.

"Hi, mister!"

"EeeeeEEEEEAAAAAAGHITSSOCUTEICANTTAKEIT!"

"See? I TOLD you making it mostly cute characters was a good idea!"

"AHGODIJUSTWANNALOVEITANDSQUEEZEITUNTILITPOPSAND-ahem. This is amazing! It's like the Golden Wooper!"

"The what?"

It's a rare kind of Wooper that's said to be the finest antidepressant known to man! We have to turn it off and go show this to someone!"

"So what were you showing me again?"

The two had decided to show the DAOS to Lusamine. Elio explained how they had invented her over the last week.

"...and without further ado we present to you the DAOS!"

Elio unveiled the wagon to reveal...a trainer with pigtails floating facedown in some green ooze.

"AAAAH! Sweet mother of Arceus! Why are you showing me a dead body?! I tried, Lillie! I tried! TOXINS! I NEED NEUROTOXINS!"

She pulled a Beast Ball out of nowhere, released the Nihilego inside it, and sucked on one of its tentacles, with visible bulges being pumped into her mouth.

"Aaaah...that's better. Huh. The effect is closer to liquor than crack, like it was two years ago. What were we talking about again? AAAH! YOU KILLED SOMEONE!"

"If you had let us FINISH, you would have heard that this is a robot. One that is the finest antidepressant known to man. In fact, bring your edgy borb of a son down here and I'll show you how potent this thing is."

He turned the DAOS on and Gladion came down.

"Hey kid."

Elio hoisted the DAOS up and held it to Gladion's face, with its tongue sticking out a bit while a derpy expression was on its face.

"Look at this for a full minute and tell me you're still dead inside with a straight face."

Around the thirty second mark, he got a weird expression on his face. " _Keep it together, Gladion."_ he thought. " _Be cool. Stay cool. Stay coooaaaAAAGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"_

He started swarming all over the DAOS.

"Whoa! Hold off there, guy!"

"AAAGHIJUSTWANNAHUGYOUUNTILYOUPOPANDTHEN-I don't have time for this." He walked off.

"See? What did I tell you? A word of warning though: Do NOT get it sad in any way. It takes a bit of effort, as most of its components are a bit dim, but just don't."

"Why?"

"Then it turns into the Reverse Wooper, another rare breed whose pout is so depressing you want to hang yourself INSTANTLY. Look."

"You're awful!" he said to the DAOS.

"What does that mean?"

"It means we all hate you."

Then it got puppy-dog eyes and a big pout on its face. Elio and Selene looked away at this moment. Lusamine, on the other hand, wasn't as lucky and started looking for a knife.

"Alright, that's enough. I lied. Nobody hates you."

"Yay!"

"Kid, that was pretty darn cool. And saw the mighty Necrozma beat the living daylights out of Nebby. I KNOW cool."

"Alright, let's go."

"So what are we gonna name it, bro?"

"Eh. How about Mimi?"

"I like it. Are we gonna tell her?"

"Tell her what?"

That she's a robot, silly! She doesn't seem to know, anyways."

"Look at me. Look at me directly in the eye holes. **NO.** Do you SEE how pure Mimi is?!"

He pointed to Mimi, who was staring off into space with that derpy expression.

"Do you think that's the kind of purity that can be regained?! We are NOT telling Mimi she's a robot! Everything that is blatantly an extension to her body, we tell her that's normal. GOT IT?!"

"Fine. I think it would be better, but she's technically yours."

"Mimi! Come on, we're going!

"Who's Mimi?"

"That's you."

"I thought I was the d-ay-o-ess."

"No, you're Mimi. Now come on, we're going."

"Okay!"


	2. Battle Basics

Elio, Selene, and Mimi flew back to the observatory.

"We're going to introduce you to a friend now, okay? His name is Sophocles."

"WHAT?! The data should have taken at least a week to-"

"SHHHHH! Come over here."

Elio and Sophocles walked out of earshot.

"This thing is the purest person known to man. We aren't telling her she's a robot."

"Oh. Wanna show her around?"

"Sure."

They showed her Sophocles' part of the observatory.

"Wow, you have a lot of stuff on your shelves, mister!"

"Yeah, those are all Pokeballs from people who do this stupid challenge, whenever their Pokemon is knocked out, they have to never use it again. I heal them up and take them as spoils of war."

"What does this do?"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Mimi had her hand over the Totem Pinger.

"DON'T!" It inched closer. "NO!" And closer. "STOP IT! If you touch that button, all of the stuff on my shelves will come crashing down and we will be buried beneath a pile of Pokeballs. We don't want that, do we!?"

"Oh. Boop!"

"NO!"

The Pinger started shuddering violently, which in turn jolted all of Sophocles' spoils of war off the shelves, burying them both under a pile of Pokeballs.

"Get. Out."

"What does this button do?"

She pointed at the button on an Ultra Ball.

"NO! NOT THAT ONE! That one has a…

BOOMP!

"...Hydreigon. I'm not even gonna look."

 ***Hydreigon used Crunch!***

Mimi's decapitated head rolled towards Sophocles' feet. Then it was drawn back towards the rest of the parts which had been severed. The scrap pile eventually reformed back into Mimi. Lucky that the Electrium Z wasn't touched.

"All right. Back in the ball. Also, PLEASE get out before you destroy anything else."

Elio saw what had happened and decided to do something about it.

"Kid, you're only a day old, but it's time to teach you how to defend yourself: battle."

"All right, these are a few Hidden Ability breedjects. The Fire type starter Litten, the Grass type starter Rowlet, and the Water type starter Popplio. Pick one."

"Can I pick two?"

"No! You pick one to learn about weaknesses and resistances! Now, pick one."

"Oh. ….Can I have all of them?"

"NO! You know what? Just take the goddamn Popplio. That means I get Litten. Now, fight me!"

"But I don't wanna fight you! You're my friend!"

Elio facepalmed. "No, I mean let's battle Pokemon. This is gonna be a long day…"

"All right! You seem to have the basics down pat, so let's move on to the next step: capturing Pokemon."

He walked over to the tall grass and used a Honey.

"First, you find a Pokemon, like this Grubbin, then you whittle down its HP. No, wait, never mind. Which one had False Swipe on it again? Carrock...Blobber….Luna….Coconuts…Mecha Knight...Dammit! I left the one with False Swipe in the PC. Wait, no. Poke Balls never fail here for some reason."

He chucked a Pokeball at the wild Grubbin. "Now watch and learn. It should hit its inevitable capture in 3...2...1.."

"Elio?"

"Yes?"

"The Grubbin broke out of the ball."

Elio stared at the Grubbin for five whole minutes.

"You know what? Let's move on to something else: grinding."

"See that wiggling bush? Walk in front of it."

As Mimi did, a Chansey popped out of the bush.

"Good. Now don't run. Let me take it from here."

Elio got the Chansey to call for help and knocked out its ally. Mimi's Popplio and Elio's Silvally gained a ton of EXP.

"See that? That's a kind of electromagnetic wave that lets Pokemon grow stronger, called Electromagnetic Extrasensory Points, or EXP for short. And look at that! Your Popplio hit Level 36! That means it's going to evolve after this battle! Now, the best way to fell these is with a physical move."

"Like Explosion?"

"Yes! You've learned a bit, Mimi!"

"Go, Silvally! Use Explosion!"

"NO! NOT HERE!"

 **KABOOM!**

*Mecha Knight gained 7,271 EXP Points!*

*Popplio gained 11,255 EXP Points!*

*What? Popplio is evolving!*

*Congratulations! Your Popplio evolved into Brionne!

*What? Brionne is evolving!*

*Congratulations! Your Brionne evolved into Primarina!"

"Wow! It's so pretty!"

"You know what? Let's move on to something you couldn't POSSIBLY screw up."

"Okay. Take the berry in front of you."

"The what?"

"The blue thing. Firmly grasp it in your hand."

Mimi grabbed the berry and started firmly grasping it...to the point it started to bulge out of her hand.

"NOT THAT FIRMLY! Now dig a hole."

Mimi dug a hole.

"Put the berry in the hole and cover it."

Mimi followed orders.

"Now water it and come back in six hours."

"Six hours. Got it."

When Elio returned to check on the berry, the entirety of Isle Aplenny was overgrown with vines and Oran Berries, some of which had entangled Mimi.

"Can you help me out? I'm stuck."

"You know what? I'm done. I give up."

Elio slid into the house on his face again.

"Well, I guess Mimi is doomed to forever be torn apart and regenerate. The kid can't even plant a goddamn Berry!"

"I wouldn't say that. Look."

Outside, Mimi was...battling?! A kid who couldn't even plant a berry, much less keep an SOS chain going, was actually battling?!

"B-but how?!"

"She probably just copied you. That's what I think."

"It...It's a miracle. My own creation, who could barely plant a simple Oran Berry before, can defend itself! YAHOO!"


	3. Where is that DAMN Totem Sticker

"98...99...Dammit, I still don't have the last one!"

"What?"

"Totem Stickers. I need the last one for a giant Ribombee."

"Just give up. That's what I did."

"But I really want the Ribombee!"

"Fine. Where do you suppose it could be?"

"Haina Desert?"

"Haina Desert?! That place is a death trap! Why would they hide one in there?!"

"Why are we talking about dessert? Is there dessert? I want dessert!"

"Where'd you come from?"

"Can I have dessert?"

"IDEA! Selene, get over here!"

The duo huddled together and started whispering.

"All right. Mimi is too cute and dim to know that we're talking about a desert. So, we send her in and follow her in case she finds the sticker."

"You would really manipulate something that pure!? ...I like it."

"All right!" Elio said. "You can have your...dessert. But first you have to find a gold sticker in the desert for me."

"Aww."

"Now, I packed a few canteens of cytoplasm in case you start running lo-er, I mean, getting tired."

And so they all went into the Haina Desert together.

"All right. First we follow the stack of rocks with two on it."

They went into another part of the desert.

"Now the one with four."

They went in that direction, which took them back to where they started.

"We're lost. I told you they wouldn't hide it in here."

"No we aren't! Let's try the one with one rock."

This lead them back to the area with three rocks. Elio's bag hit a rock along the way. "Hope that didn't damage anything."

"Okay, this is ridiculous. You lived here, Red Bull! Can't you help us out or something?"

Red Bull (Tapu Bulu) spoke to him telepathically from the PC.

" _Sorry. Can't hear you. I'm going into the Path For Rare Treasure Hunting. I'm gonna lose you."_

"But you're talking to me right now!"

" _Uhhh...this is a recording?"_

"A recording. At this time of day-"

"Stop it."

"-at this time of year-"

"Stop. NOW."

"-in this part of Isle Aphun-"

"Elio, if you don't stop with the steamed hams jokes RIGHT NOW, I'm going to slap you."

"-localized entirely within your brain."

" _Yes."_

 **WHAP!**

"It wasn't even a goddamn Steamed Hams joke!"

"Guys? I found a thing."

"Not now, Mimi. HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS HELLHOLE?!"

" _Please leave a message inside my brain at the time of the beep. BEEP!"_

"Dammit! Ugh. Great. Just great. Now what are we gonna do?"

"I saw the shiny thing! It was in the last room! That way! To dessert!"

They backtracked to the room with 3 rocks,

"Was it in the room with one rock?"

and ran back to that one,

"No, wait! I think it was in the room with two rocks!"

and then trudged to THAT one.

"Ugh..I feel weird...I don't even know anymore."

Mimi was starting to go cross-eyed.

"Great. Now what?!"

Elio took a closer look at Mimi's eyes and saw they were starting to turn blue.

"Ugh. Better get the cytoplasm."

He popped open his Bag and started rummaging around.

"Timespace Orbs….Zoom Lens….Max Repels...No. NO! Where is it!?

"Where's...what?"

"THE CYTOPLASM! We can't do anything without it!"

I'm...fine….guys. Just...a little ti-a little ti-a little t-t-t-t-iired….."

Mimi's pupils turned from blue to Xs and she keeled forward.

"NOOOO! MIMI!"

"All right. We HAVE to go home now."

"NO. I am avenging Mimi's battery dying. Even if it means I have to traipse around this hellhole with a dead robot strapped to my back."

"Hm. What did I build you out of? Carbonfiber? That's as good a guess as any. You're surprisingly light."

Elio had hooked Mimi's corpse, or whatever you would call a dead robot, to the straps of his armor and was trudging around the desert like that.

Eventually they arrived at the Ruins of Abundance at sunset, right before the sandstorms kicked up.

Elio saw a golden glimmer under the sand.

"Is that...THE STICKER?!"

He dug like a madman to get at it.

"Pfeh. Figures. It's just a goddamn Big Nugget."

He flung it off into the distance. "And good riddance!"

"Dude, you got something on your shoe."

"AAGH! Trapinch! Get it off! Enh!"

And underneath the trapinch was...THE STICKER!

"YES! Now we can get out of this hellhole and go see Samson for that giant Ribombee!

Three kids walked up to me on Heahea Beach.

No, wait, it's TWO kids, covered in sand and dirt. One was piggybacking on the boy.

"Give me my goddamn Ribombee." the boy said, throwing his 100 stickers on the ground.

"I went through hell and back to get this while carrying a dead robot on my back. You BETTER give my the Ribombee."

And I did. Some people are weird.


	4. Shell Of Steela

" _Hey Mimi, you want to be shown something really cool?"_

Solar Dash was talking telepathically to Mimi about Ultra Space.

"Sure! How do we get there?

" _Hop on! La...LIOOOONE!"_

Sun Stone (Elio's Solgaleo) roared open a wormhole and jumped in.

"I got the...cytoplasm….Dammit. Where'd she go?"

Elio then noticed the glassy footprints on the ground.

"For Arceus's sake, Sun Stone, how many times have I told you not to take my friends into Ultra Space?! Get Moonbeam, Selene. He did it again."

"Again?!"

"Again."

And so they raced off into Ultra Space, dodging warp holes and shock orbs until they caught up with their friends. Elio whipped out a megaphone.

"All right! Pull over and give 'er back!"

" _How the hell do I PULL OVER?! We're in space, genius."_

Both were so focused on out-dicking each other that everyone tumbled into a white warp hole, with Moonbeam and her riders going in first.

"SEE?! This is why you don't take my friends into Ultra Spaaaaaace!"

The warp hole spat everyone out at Ultra Crater, where Selene had been before but Elio had not. Mimi, however, didn't know how to ride a celestial lion and flew into a sliding faceplant upon touchdown.

"It smells like eggs here!"

"Yes, it does have a lot of sulfur in the air and-WHOA! What is THAT?!"

Everyone looked up at what looked to be a rocket shooting off into the sulfurous sky.

"Oh. That's a Celesteela. They shoot up like rockets. The rocket bit isn't actually their real body. The actual Pokemon is the long neck thing inside it. I have a few."

"You know what? Let's mix it up a bit and actually explore. Let's go see that big one over there."

" _I can fly you all over there if you want. Mainly because SOME of us can't be trusted with someone on their back."_

" _Said the person who got us in here in the first place."_

"Can we just all go? What if we want to walk over there?"

And so they all did. When they got there, the biggest Celesteela was not one at all, but a discarded carapace. Or just a dead one.

"Hm. You know, this thing looks a lot like a ship. I bet we could use it as one."

"REALLY?!"

"Yes, Mimi. Not now, but if we could find a way to carry it-"

"Eeeerragh!"

Mimi had hoisted up the Celesteela shell. Celesteela is tied with Cosmoem for the heaviest Pokemon on Earth. An impressive feat indeed.

"...you just….with your bare hands.."

"Can't everyone do that?"

"Uhh...yes. Yes they can. All right. Let's go back."

" _AAAAGH! Oh dear ARCEUS, this thing is heavy!"_

"Could you guys drop us off at the observatory?"

" _Sure."_

They were spat out right in front of it. Mimi had to struggle a bit to stay on balance. Sophocles came out

"Is that-"

"Yep."

"We both want to build a ship out of this, don't we?"

"Yep."

And so they did, and remarkably, unlike Mimi, the project took a mere 12 hours!

"Ta-da! May I present to you The Steel Reel!"

It was the Celesteela shell, repainted with a sun and moon emblem on either side. The patch of white in the middle had been turned into a door. The "arms" of the shell had been bolted to the sides as thrusters. The bottom thruster had been revamped and had twice as many nozzles.

"WOW! Can we try it? Pleasepleaseplease?"

"Well, I GUESS we can fly out over the ocean."

"YAY!"

Mimi ran into the ship.

"BUT DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! You have a tendency to make things spontaneously combust."

As everyone floated over the ocean, they all looked down at the glittering waves around Alola together.


	5. Attack of the Gay Mafia

"Ta-da! Zap Nachos!"

Selene was showing a dish of nachos with a green ooze on top to Elio and Sophocles. The occasional yellow spark skittered across the ooze.

"Did...did you get Blobber to help with these?"

"Maybe. Dig in! They pack a real kick!"

Sophocles slowly inched the chip to his mouth. He bit down…

.and then started spazzing out on the floor as if he'd been tased.

When he got up, he shook it off and rushed towards the bowl.

"SO GOOD! I need more!"

"Whoa, dude! Save some for me!"

"NEVER! The Zap Nachos are all mine!"

They pulled it back and forth until it slipped, spilling cytoplasm and Cornn chips and shocking everyone except Mimi.

"Why is everyone doing a funny dance?"

"YOU SPILLED MY CHIPS!"

"They were OUR chips! Selene made them for us!"

"You wanna take this outside?"

"Hell yeah! Let's take it ALLL the way outside, tubby!"

"NOBODY CALLS ME TUBBY!"

And so they teleported to Festival Plaza, but something was VERY different. Everything was dark and gloomy, there was a big rainbow "R" on the castle, and nobody was there except for some people in weird getups.

"Aw crap. Guess we can't battle to settle this."

"It looks like we've been hacked! What are we gonna do?!"

"I got this, bro."

Sophocles pulled a remote out of his back pocket labeled "the ejecc". He pushed it and everything was purged, the castle went back to normal, and people started coming in again.

"That was anticlimactic."

"Yeah, I know. I designed the system to get rid of intruders as easily as possible after the last time I got hit by some pests."

"How'd you get rid of 'em?"

"I had to hit them with a banhammer."

"No, seriously."

"I did! See, there are the marks."

He pointed to two big craters in the pavement.

Selene popped in to get the two back.

"Can..can you guys come back? It's Lillie."

Lillie was pacing around the house with Gladion at her side.

"All right, so what happened?"

"Well, Mom said to wait in the conservation area , then we heard a loud rumble and a few screams, and she never came back! When we looked outside, we saw some people in gray outfits ware swarming our house! I'm so worried...What if she's…"

"I'm sure she'll be fine." Gladion said. "So, from what I heard you guys ran into some people with the same outfits in Festival Plaza."

"Yes. We got rid of them, though."

"According to what I heard, these people are called "Team Rainbow Rocket".

"Pfft...rainbows...hehe."

"This isn't a goddamn GAME, Elio! Our mother is in danger!"

"Edgy Borb Boy has a point. We need to get in there, beat the crap out of some evil gays, save the President, and possibly save the world."

"I'm with you 100%, bro."

"Me too. I don't like to see Pokemon get hurt, but I may have to if I want to see my mom again."

"I'm with you as well. It's my fight too."

"I can help! I've been training really, really hard! Pleeease?!"

"Fine, Mimi, you can come help too."

"Yay!"

"Eh. I got nothing better to do."

Everyone decided to go into the fortress with their star teams.

 **Elio**

Sun Stone **the** Solgaleo

Crunch

Giga Impact

Sunsteel Strike

Zen Headbutt

Shnitzel **the** Alolan Golem

Double Edge

Thunder Punch

Stone Edge

Rock Slide

Kibble Blade **the** Lurantis

Superpower

Leaf Blade

Solar Blade

Sunny Day

Death Ray **the** Groudon

Solar Beam

Lava Plume

Precipice Blades

Earthquake

Behemoth **the** Zygarde

Thousand Arrows

Core Enforcer

Rest

Coil

Brain Grub **the** Mewtwo

Psystrike

Psychic

Psycho Cut

Calm Mind

 **Selene**

Stilton **the** Decidueye

Spirit Shackle

Leaf Blade

Brave Bird

Phantom Force

Super Succ **the** Shiinotic

Strength Sap

Leech Seed

Moonblast

Giga Drain

Dark Power **the** Necrozma

Smart Strike  
Photon Geyser

Power Gem

Moonbeam **the** Lunala

Moonblast

Moonlight

Moongeist Beam

Night Daze

Yogurt **the** Kyogre

Hydro Pump

Ice Beam

Origin Pulse

Calm Mind

Buttony **the** Rayquaza

Outrage

Dragon Ascent

Fly

Extreme Speed

 **Mimi**

Bunbun **the** Lopunny

Fire Punch

Ice Punch

Thunder Punch

Shadow Ball

Flippy **the** Primarina

Sparkling Aria

Icy Wind

Water Gun

Moonblast

 **Gladion**

Silvally-Ground

Flamethrower

Ice Beam

Thunderbolt

Multi-Attack

Charizard

Belly Drum

Roost

Earthquake

Fire Punch

Lucario

Bullet Punch

Aura Sphere

Flash Cannon

Close Combat

Porygon-Z

Tri-Attack

Dark Pulse

Lock-On

Zap Cannon

Zoroark  
Night Daze

Night Slash

Foul Play

Swagger

Crobat

Wing Attack

Cross Poison

X-Scissor

Shadow Ball

 **Sophocles**

Togemaru

Fell Stinger

Zing Zap

Gyro Ball

Rollout

Lillie had thought of bringing her Clefairy and Comfey, but decided against it at the last minute.

As everyone walked into the castle, they noticed the door to the last lab was locked.

"Hmm. Four doors, each leading a different way. And the two upstairs are locked. Which way is where?"

"Let's just go into the left one."

The left door led to a maze of teleport panels, each column blocked off by a wall of grunts.

"How do we get through? It's not like you can do 'the ejecc' again."

"Watch me."

Sophocles laid down on the floor and started rubbing his...area back and forth.

"NOT THAT KIND OF EJECC!"

"Sorry. But I DO have a solution!"

"What?"

Sophocles rushed over to the warp pad, whipped out a toolbox and got to work.

"What are you doing?"

"Reconfiguring the warp panels so that they take us to the end instead of having to go through all this crap. And...done! Hop aboard, guys!"

The warp panel took them directly to the office of a well-tanned man with a blue outfit and big muscles.

"Hm? Well, so we have some visitors! My name is Archie. I would warn Giovanni about you, but i'm sure I can handle a bunch of children. I survived almost drowning in a sea that covered the earth!"

"That's it, pie rat! You're going down! Sic' em, Death Ray!"

"Go! Kyogre!"

*Death Ray's Primal Reversion! It reverted to its primal form!*

*Death Ray's Desolate Land! The sunlight turned extremely harsh!*

"THe intruder has a double weakness to water! Kyogre! Hydro Pump!"

*Kyogre used Hydro Pump!*

*The Water-type attack evaporated in the extremely harsh sunlight!*

"Uh….Archie? You sure you don't want to surrender now?"

"Never! I'm sure I can handle a few children!"

"Your funeral."

Elio then proceeded to hand his ass to him on a silver platter.

"So maybe I was wrong. But you'll never get through without pushing the two buttons hidden behind the paint…..Oops."

"Outta the way, pie rat."

Elio pushed the button.

"Alright. One down, one to go. Let's go to the left, Selene."

They were all teleported into a room with four circular panels on the floor and a button in the middle.

Selene walked up and pressed the button. The panels around her flashed;red, red, blue, yellow, green.

"Oh, I get it! It's like Simon!"

She stomped the panels in that order.

"All right! I can handle any of this crap! What's next, castle?!"

She pushed the button in the next room. The panels blinked as follows: red, green, green, green, blue….

...and four hours later they were still waiting for it to finish.

"Sophocles?" Selene croaked.

"Yes?"

"Can you do that thing you did with the warp panels?"

"Thank Arceus."

Sophocles did his thing and everyone hopped aboard. The panel took them to the room of a man in a red suit and glasses.

"Well, the sea is still overtaking this world...and just when I was about to fall into some lava created by the mighty Groudon, too. I'll just have to make do with whatever I can find to expand the land here."

"Not today, nor ever. Get out of the way of the painting, nerd."

"What? Well, there's no way you would have figured out the other part of the puzzle, and I'm sure I can handle a single child. Go! Groudon!"

"Your turn, Yogurt!"

*Yogurt's Primal Reversion! It reverted to its primal form!*

*Yogurt's Primordial Sea! It started to rain heavily!*

*Yogurt used Sheer Cold!*

*Groudon avoided the attack!*

*Groudon used Lava Plume*

*The Fire-type attack fizzled out in the heavy rain!*

*Yogurt used Sheer Cold!*

*It's a one hit-KO!*

This continued until all of Maxie's Pokemon had their Master Ball clad asses kicked into next week.

"Hmph. Fine. It's not like you know what to do aaand you already pressed the button. Giovanni is going to have my hide for being defeated by you nuisances."

When everyone teleported back to the main room, they saw that the two rooms upstairs were unlocked and went into the upper left one. Or were about to, until the two idiots from the last rooms ran in.

"Okay, brats, my team is ready again and-YOU!"

"That was merely a fluke. I'm ready to-YOU!"

Archie and Maxie rushed towards each other.

"I can't believe I'm working with you, pirate!"

"Well, I can't believe I'm working with you, land lover!"

"Wanna take this out-"

"What the-"

Both vanished in a flash of purple.

"Eh, it's probably nothing."

"Oh great. Vomit panels."

"What panels?"

"Back when we lived in Kanto, these things were EVERYWHERE. They spin and fling you to a bunch of other panels. If you can make it to the end without barfing, I'll give you all my wormhole shinies."

"Deal. But I thought you used to live in Kanto?"

"I did. I was BORN in Kalos, then we moved to Torren, then Holon, then Sinnoh, then Hoenn, then Unova, then Tandor, then Kanto, and THEN we moved here."

Everyone whirled around and around on the spin panels, trying to find out which way was where.

When they finally DID, they landed next to a door guarded by two grunts.

"Hey! Intruders!"

"Technically, you're the intruders."

"It doesn't matter! Now get out or face Cyrus' division of the Elite Rainbow Rocket Grunts!"

Selene busted out laughing at this comment.

"Elite Grunts….heh. Now stand down or face my Ultra Necrozma, stronger than the mighty Arceus itself."

The "Elite Grunts" ran like hell at this comment.

"Bunch of pushovers."

Everyone walked in on a person who was muttering something about "a new world".

"Child."

"Which one? We're all 11."

"The one in the back." He pointed to Mimi.

"Is this world the new world?"

"...Whaa?"

"Then this isn't my perfect world."

"Okay, someone explain what the heck is going on here!"

"I used the power of the Red Chain to control the beasts who rule over time and space: Dialga and Palkia. I used their power to create a perfect new world. A world without spirit. Then I was engulfed by a bright blue light…"

"And let me guess, you intend to take the emotions of this world, yada yada yada, plot, rant, bullshit. Well, I have news for you, nutcase!" Elio hoisted Mimi up and shoved her stupid cute face into the man's eyes.

"Look at this. Do you really think stuff like THIS is a scourge on the world? If you really think something that stays THIS PURE within the inky ooze of what you want to remove, maybe you should rethink your choices!"

"I...I...what is this...experience...I feel?"

"That is what is known as A HEART. By the looks of it, it's about time you grew one."

"I...I must have more of this...heart."

"Then go! Experience everything and everyone that occurs on this earth! LIVE!"

He walked out, and before he hit the door, he vanished in a purple flash as well.

"Thank Arceus we didn't have to fight him."

"Feeling good! Three down, one to go!"

They went into the room opposite the last one.

The room was adorned with Meowth statues which shot a beam of light straight ahead.

"We should be careful." Gladion said.

"This room looks like it was designed by some crazy old cat lady. It's just a bunch of statues, bro."

As soon as Elio walked smugly in front of one of those statues, an alarm blared "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" and they were chased back to the entrance.

"I told-"

"DON'T. F*CKING. SAY. IT. Now, how do we get past those- MIMI! DON'T WALK IN FRONT...nothing happened?"

"These light beams must be infrared sensors. Mimi isn't affected because, well, you know." Sophocles said. "Mimi! Can you punch that statue?"

"Okey-dokey!" She punched the statue, revealing the mechanisms within and trashing it.

"Success! Now, all we need to do is repeat this three more times."

They used that strategy to breeze through the Meowth puzzles.

After this, everyone ran into the room of a tall man with spiky orange hair.

"So, you must be the intruders that bested the others."

"That's right! And soon you'll be getting your just desserts as well!"

"I am Lysandre. Why do you think you can save your lost cause? I fired my ultimate weapon in my world and wiped out everyone except my Team Flare. Then a bright light transported me and my ultimate weapon to this world. I have it under this very castle right now! However, i will be merciful and allow you to push one of these buttons behind me. One will unlock the final door and let you save your...president. The other will activate my ultimate weapon and send you all to your doom!"

"All right, let's get it over with." Elio slapped the blue button.

A display behind Lysandre said "ULTIMATE WEAPON CHARGING."

"...I'm sorry."

"WHAT?! Nononono! This can't be happeni-wait a second."

Elio pressed the other button.

The display read "RESTART CHARGING PROCESS? YES/NO"

"It was RIGGED?! Why, I oughta…"

"No. You've all done enough. It's my fight now." Gladion said.

While Gladion's Mega Lucario and Lysandre's Mega Gyarados duked it out in the background, Elio looked to the side and said, "I know you're getting bored, so I'm just gonna skip this."

"Why'd you skip my fight, Elio?!"

"The audience was getting bored, I told you."

"At least they didn't see the part where Lucario fell on his face! Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha. Ha ha."

Everyone looked at Mimi with a strange expression on their faces.

"As a wise Youtuber once said, 'I would love you if you never do that again.'"

"Could they at least have seen the amazing part where the Mega Gyarados' Hyper Beam ricocheted off the walls and hit it?!"

"Too bad. Waluigi time. Now, are we going to rescue your mom, or what?"

They all walked into the room where the last teleporter was. There were two pairs of swords and shields on the wall, which Selene thought was really tacky. A man with a strange outfit like a castle popped in right as they were about to use it.

"Dammit, not another one!"

"So THIS is what all the commotion is! Some CHILDREN?! My, these other team leaders do seem to be on the dim side, don't they?"

"W-where's Mother?!"

"Oh, she's fine. Our leader, if you can call him that, injected her with a substance from that...Ultra Beast, is that what you call it?"

"All right. Tell me your name, because I'm gonna take special pleasure in beating you to a pulp."

"My name is Ghetsis. I represent Team Plasma and-"

"All right, that's enough. We only got so many characters left."

He stepped over to Lillie and held his hand up.

"All of you. If you value this brat's life, drop your Poke Balls NOW."

"Hell no! These are all of our friends!"

"Then you leave me no choice."

WHAP!

"Aieee!"

"What's this? Your Poke Balls are shaking? Could it be that they're shaking with rage?!

An absurd thought, indeed, feelings from the minds of our slaves!"

BOOMP! One of the various Pokemon popped out.

BOOMP! BOOMP! BOOMPBOOMPBOOMP!

Soon a small army of Pokemon were amassed around their trainers.

" _Hey, lay off Elio! He's my friend! Especially since he feeds me beans."_

"Addadada! Radda! Dadada!"

"Rana-tiiis! Tiis!"

"Garooooo!"

"Ga-ga-gaaaarde!"

" _Our merciful offer has since expired, Ghetsis. You have been deemed unworthy of a swift death once I Mega Evolve."_

"Dueye! Dueye!"

"Succa-succa-shiino!"

" _The pain...But I can put up with my pain to help...all of you."_

" _It hurts when we fuse, but I'll do it."_

"Kyoreeee!"

" _I concur with you, Brain Grub. We must end this man immediately."_

"Punpunpun!"

"Marii! Mariiiii!"

"Valalliii!"

"Rizard!"

"Carrrro!"

"Rorororark!"

"j̶̭̝͍̬̽̀c̸̮̣̱͕͂̇͛̒͆̉͆̚̕͠͝n̶̻͚͕̾̌̂̑̐̑͑̽̇̈́̚ơ̷̤͙̙͛̀̈́̈́̓̃̃͂̌́̐͐̚̕r̴̜̯̰̳̍̉̉͗͆̽̈ẹ̸̡͔̱͖̇͌̔̀̈͜͠4̶͈̟͉͇̼̭̤͚̞̌́̋͐̄̕͜j̵͓͓͕̳̮̞̗̔̀̈́̇͗̀͛̿̃͘̕͝3̷̨̤͇̞̩̰͔̞̤̏̌̎̀̌̓̽͊͂̄8̷̥͉̖͕̌̀f̶̠̗͍̳̖̂͑̑̂̐̇̈́͊̓́͐͋̕͝ơ̸̧̛͓͇͙̤̠̤̒̈́́̿͂͊́͊̀̎̐͘ͅH̶̨̛͈̣̭͖̣͎̗̪̩͍͂̇́̓̆̓́̀̈D̷̡͘ͅƯ̵̢̡̤̰͈͆̍̈̂̎͐̓͠#̵͖̻̱͋Ǫ̷̟̠͉̮̰͉̩͕͚͔̟̂̀̏̐̐͆͛̀̕͘͜"

"Bobobat!"

"Z-z-z-zig-zap!"

"SILENCE!"

"H..hey! Leave my friends alone you...you bully!"

Ghetsis knocked Mimi toward the wall and started ranting, her hair falling over her eyes.

Everyone heard three loud clicks. Those clicks were Mimi's neck re-aligning itself. Her eyes showed four-pointed stars, similar to the ones Mimikyu has when it uses such a move as Shadow Claw.

She got up and grabbed a sword off the wall, her face expressionless and wide-eyed. When she spoke, she had the same sweet voice she normally did, but with a strange and disturbing monotone.

"GHETSIS IDENTIFIED AS THREAT TO VALUED ITEMS. CREATING OBJECTIVE. NEW OBJECTIVE: DELETE GHETSIS."

"What? Hmph. When I'm done, you will all be just another group of rebels that I killed."

"DELETE GHETSIS. DELETING GHETSIS. ACTIVATING PRESERVATIVE INSTINCT PROTOCOL."

"What the hell?! I never put that in there!"

"We were both staying up off of Worry Seed. I don't remember half the stuff we put in."

Mimi charged towards Ghetsis. He threw all of his Pokemon at her to keep her back, but she pushed them away like nothing, even the mighty Zekrom.

She held the sword at Ghetsis' neck. Everyone else looked away.

"GHETSIS IS THREAT TO FRIENDS. GHETSIS IS THREAT TO ALOLA. MUST DELETE GHETSIS."

Everyone heard four swings of the sword. The fifth one sent a wave of air through the room. When everyone looked, there were eight holes in the wall. Mimi's sword made an air wave so powerful that it sent the pieces of Ghetsis flying through a wall and into the ocean. All that was left were a few drops of blood.

"Mimi! Are you okay?!"

Elio rushed to Mimi's side. He saw that the stars were already turning blue.

"THREAT ENDED. DELETING FOOTAGE AND MEMORY FILES CREATED DURING THE ELAPSED TIME PRESERVATIVE INSTINCT PROTOCOL WAS ACTIVE FROM CPU."

Mimi's eyes turned back to normal, but were still blue.

"What….what happened….I'm fine, Elio….I don't remember anything….how...how silly of me…..oopsy…..ha...haaaaaaa…"

Her eyes turned to Xs and she keeled over forward.

"I DESPISE YOU GHETSIS! THAT'S ENOUGH REASON FOR...what?"

Colress teleported into the room and was looking onto four kids huddling over what seemed to be the dead body of another.

"We brought the cytoplasm, right?!"

"Gotcha covered. What do I do with it again?"

"JUST DUNK IT ALL OVER HER! She absorbs it through the pores in her skin."

Sophocles dumped the cytoplasm all over Mimi's corpse(?)

"REBOOTING...What happened? The last thing I remember was-"

"It's okay now. You're safe. That should be enough to last you the rest of this episode."

Everyone heard slow clapping from the back of the room.

"Amazing. Truly marvelous."

"What? And where'd you come from, mister?"

"I'm talking about that performance right now. By the looks of it, Ghetsis got a swift and painless death, which was much more than he deserved. I was always here, just using a special cloaking device. I was responsible for the other villains vanishing back to their worlds."

"W-wow…" Elio said. "You're my idol. Coming from you, Colress...that means so much."

"Now, about your friend...Is she autonomous? What tec-"

"SHHHH! Don't tell her about that sort of thing. We decided to not tell her she's a robot."

"Understandable. A sentence that shatters everything you know...well, a human can recover, but a robot hearing something like that would have dire consequences."

"All right! Emotional moments taken care of, let's go save the president!"

Everyone, including Colress, teleported into the final room. Lusamine was curled up next to the tanks that used to hold frozen Pokemon.

"MOTHER!" Lillie and Gladion ran to their mother.

"...Good. She's still breathing."

Seems like we're forgetting someone else, aren't we? That slimy little rat.

"...Well done, children! Now, leave or suffer the consequences."

"Branch Chief Faba!? What are you doing here?!"

"I merely granted the gentleman you see working in front of you access to the castle. I assure you, this will reward us quite well."

"So let me get this straight." Gladion said. "You invited not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but SIX homicidal maniacs into our home, let them overrun it completely, and let the one in charge inject Mother with neurotoxins. And all of this...for a goddamn PROMOTION."

"Oh ho ho! You have learned much, Gladion, I'll give you that."

"Cut the formalities, traitor! Now FIGHT ME!"

"But of course! Grunts!"

Nothing happened.

"I said, GRUNTS!"

"So, you were SO lazy that you didn't bring Pokemon to battle and planned to have the grunts do the dirty work?"

"Er.."

"So what's gonna be the next target for one of our Pokemon stronger than Arceus itself?"

"I'll...just..show myself out."

"Now, let's see who's REALLY behind all this." They walked up to the man working at the computer.

"So, you've bested all of the others, I see...I didn't need any of those fools anyway."

He turned around to face them.

"I, Giovanni, was the one who TRULY masterminded the takeover of this castle! I used the Ultra Wormhole to merge my world with yours. Not only that, but I was the one who injected your mother with neurotoxins from that Ultra Beast she called her pet! When she awakens, she will obey my every command! We will do the same to more universes, until I, Giovanni, leader of Team Rainbow Rocket, have taken over THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE!"

"Oh my Arceus, Mother's waking up!"

"Ugh...what happened….my aching head...i feel like I had one hell of a party last night and-YOU."

Lusamine staggered to her feet with much effort. She stumbled around, gripping onto the tanks to keep her balance.

"I have TRIED to be a good mother for two years now." she said, her voice slurred. "I laid off Meno for a little while, I tried to be more present in my kids' lives. I can forgive Elio spooking me into the toxins again, but NOOOO, you just had to come ruin my life by getting me back on them for real. *Hiccurp!*"

"B-but...they were supposed to make you my slave!"

"Well, TOO BAD! You can't break what's already broken, dipshit!"

"You know what? I'm done with your puny, pathetic world. There's a whole multiverse for me to conquer, and when I reach your world once more, I will tear you down piece by piece."

He walked out the door, rubbing his hand against Colress' pocket on the way out, and teleported away in a violet flash.

"Mother!" Lillie and Gladion ran to Lusamine and hugged her.

"I'm happy to see you too, kids...now please get off me...Mommy needs some time to recover from her accidental toxin hangover."

The castle was back to normal, and everyone was outside after Lusamine had recovered from her hangover.

"Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose!" Elio said. "But what happened to that traitor-"

Faba walked in. "Ah, Miss Lusamine! I trust you're feeling better?"

"Yes, very."

"Considering you had something to do with it, I'd suggest you back off."

"Lillie...What are you talking about?"

"She's merely delusional after such a fright, President Lusamine. I surely didn't let those fiends into the castle, nor let them inject you all to further my career!"

Lusamine's left eye twitched. She took a deep breath.

"Intern Faba."

"Wh-what? I believe you mean-"

"Did I not speak clearly? INTERN. FABA."

"Well, he got what he deserved."

Wicke came running up. "Madame President! I've found something important in one of the rooms Team RR inhabited!"

"Yes?"

"There were 66 Big Nuggets hidden within the bookcases! I think they were going to use them as funding!"

"Oh, phooey to that. Give them to the kids. I am VERY grateful to all of you!"

They all got 11 Big Nuggets each.

"Ooh, shiny!" Mimi said.

"So, combined, these have a total value of-"

"One million, three hundred and twenty thousand Poke." Mimi said.

"OVER ONE MILLION POKE?! WE'RE RICH!"

Everyone rolled in it as Faba slaved away doing menial labor in the background.

 _Author's Note_

 _And that's about it for this arc! I plan to release a super huge episode every five episodes, with some more comedic lighthearted ones in between. The whoppers take much longer to finish, so bear with me. The next arc may involve dragon snails and French people..._


	6. The Short Circuit

Elio was SOS chaining a Wingull while Selene, Sophocles and Mimi cheered him on.

"HOLY SHINX! SHINY!"

"Catch it! Catch it!"

*Boner used False Swipe!*

*The wild Wingull used Water Gun!*

*Boner avoided the attack!*

The spray of water hit Mimi directly in the eye. She then started twitching and acting abnormally.

"What the-We made Mimi waterproof, right, Elio?"

"Well, you know how the GameCube was almost invincible except for one spot, the disc slot, to the point it kept playing Double Dash while burning?"

"Yeah."

"Well, my guess is that Mimi IS waterproof, but the corners of the eyes are major weak spots."

While everyone was discussing Mimi's problem, the shiny wingull flew off.

"Sophocles, Selene, you take Mimi to the observatory and try to fix her up."

Elio tied a red bandanna around his head and painted two pairs of black stripes under his eyes.

"I'm gonna go after that wingull." he said gravely. "And then I'm gonna never use it."

"Why?"

"When a Pokemon decides to serve a trainer, according to Blue Moon, the greatest level of dishonor is to sit in a Box forever. I'm doing that to take revenge for Mimi."

Both parties flew off on a charizard. Elio flew off on Belly Bash and the others flew off on a Ride Charizard.

Elio took high above Akala Island. He saw the green Wingull in a flock of its kind.

"STAHP RIGHT THERE!"

The flock of Wingull got spooked and flew lower.

"After them, Belly Bash! DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!"

Belly Bash went into a nosedive towards the flock of Wingull...and missed. Both Pokemon and rider hurtled downward. Elio was thrown off, while Belly Bash got his head stuck in the ground (luckily, his tail wasn't touching anything.)

"DAMN YOU, STUPID BIRDS!" Elio yelled at the sky. "I SWEAR, I WILL GET YOU!"

Meanwhile, at the observatory, Mimi's eyes were crossed and she was walking inanely in a jagged circle.

"Hi, I'm Mimi! Hi, I'm Mimi! Hi, I'm Mimi! Hi, I'm Mimi! Hi, I'm Mimi! Hi, I'm Mimi! Hi, I'm Mimi!"

Selene was scratching her head staring at this spectacle.

"All right, how do we fix this?"

"You take the MooM and you take the sun...take the sun...take the sun...take the sun...take the sun...the sun-the sun-SUN-SUN-SUN-SUN-SUN!... Food...? Food food fooof."

"Well, first we try the easy way: turn her off and back on again."

Sophocles grabbed Mimi's wrist and pressed something on the underside. Her eyes closed and she slumped forward.

"And now we turn her back on."

"...E-E-Elio-lio-lio! Sel-en-ene-en-en! S-s-Sopho-Sophi-Sophocles!"

"Cripes. This is gonna be a long day."

Meanwhile, Elio and Belly Bash were still chasing that flock of Wingull over Ula'ula.

"You may be a Bellyzard, but you can still shoot fire, right?"

"Ra-rizard!" Belly Bash shot some fireballs into the sky, as if to confirm.

"Good! Now, shoot down those Wingull!"

The Wingull fell one by one, all their feathers seared clean off. The only one they MISSED was the shiny, who flew off faster than ever.

"Dammit! Ah'll be back. No, wait, wouldn't a Terminator gag be a better fit for Mimi?"

Mimi was spread out on a cot while Sophocles was looking in a hatch on her body. Specifically, the hatch was right under her...assets.

"Isn't Mimi's control panel on her neck?"

"That's the CENTRAL control panel. This is the one we use for maintenance."

"Oh. Well, couldn't you have found a more tasteful place to put it?!"

"What do you mean?"

"Ugh. Boys."

"Well, here's the problem! The water must have fried the chip we used to run cognitive and motor functions a little bit!"

Sophocles plucked out the chip. It was sparking a little and blackened around the edges, but otherwise okay.

"I think I have another one of these, plus some Flex Seal for the eyes. Wait here while I go into the back to get them."

He came back with the materials. He inserted the new chip into where the old one was. He also pulled back the eyes a little bit and sprayed Flex Seal in the corners. He closed the hatch on Mimi's chest and the machinery inside her whirred back to life.

"All, right, punk. I gotcha where i want ya. Now GET IN THE BALL!"

Elio had cornered the Wingull on Poni Island at long last.

"C'mon...c'mon...three shakes...YES! I finally caught that pest!"

He flew back to the observatory covered in soot, feathers, and grass.

Sophocles came out covered in grease and Flex Tape.

"I bet mine was more of a living hell then yours."

"You're on."


	7. Lusamine's Hilarious Problem

"So what did we learn?"

"That Nihilego is not a lampshade hat?"

"NO! That-actually, you're kinda right."

 **Eight Hours Earlier**

"Ugh...not again…"

Lusamine was waking up after a wild party.

"What the...AAH! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

Meno was stuck to her head and she was running around trying to pull it off.

"Crap. Now, how did this happen?"

She thought hard about what happened last night. The most she could remember was using Meno as a sprinkler to pour toxins into everyone's mouth.

"Well, that's no good. I guess we just have to go through that tired old plot about the alcoholic retracing their steps."

"...so like I was saying, using Power Trip in conjunction with Baton Pass is much better than Bellyzard because-AAGH! Meno's trying to fuse with Lusamine again! Kill it before it's too late!"

"I would like to AVOID getting fried by a Psychic, so please don't do that. It doesn't seem to be fusing with me, anyway."

"But shouldn't you be drowning in the neurotoxins? Apparently, it produces them in its bell."

"Well, I'm still here, aren't I? My guess is that the toxins are made out of the same 'air-flavored-ocean' substance in Ultra Deep Sea, and it feels SOOOO GOOOOD."

"So how do we get it off your head?"

"I tried, but he just latches on. I think he's just too lazy to get off."

"So maybe we can get it off by going to the first place he latched on?"

"One teeny-tiny problem: I went too far last night. I don't remember where that was."

Elio saw a trail of dried toxins leading into the elevator.

"And that's the answer! Meno has a habit of leaving toxin drippings wherever he goes like some sort of deranged slug, so we follow that trail. I think it leads to the docks."

The toxin trail led to the docks, and after Gladion, Elio and Lusamine all went on separate boats, they found the toxin trail led further to Malie City.

"Well, we found the first spot. Now why were you here?"

"Well, it leads into Sushi High Roller, so I think I went to get sushi for the party."

"That makes sense. Now, where does it lead next?"

"We can travel by map if you want."

"Map travel is real?!"

"Duh! It's one of the most convenient ways of breaking the fourth wall."

And so they traveled by map, following the dried toxins all the way back to Melemele.

"Ugh...Let's never do that again...I think I'm gonna-URP!"

"That's gonna be unfortunate, considering that your head is inside a drug bubble."

Meno saw a trainer walk by with a bag bursting with beans. He shut Lusamine inside his bell, stretched out his tentacles so that he looked more like a spider than a jellyfish, and scuttled after the beans.

"Gladion?! Elio?! A little HYEEEEEEELP?!"

"QUICK! After that drug jellyfish!"

"Hop on! Silvally is incredibly fast when equipped with an Electric Memory!"

"WHATEVER! JUST GO!"

Meno stretched and grabbed whatever it could to get leverage. Silvally was gaining on Meno and Lusamine. Meno was getting desperate to get away, so whenever he grabbed something, he grabbed on so hard it snapped. This continued until they caught up with Meno.

"GOTCHA! Now let Mother go!"

Meno spit Lusamine out and immediately went after the beans.

"I remember now! I put Meno on as a lampshade hat and he fell asleep on my head, so he was grouchy when I tried to pull him off! That's what happened last night!

"So this whole thing was started by the age-old tradition of wearing a lampshade on your head after a rager?"

"That's about it."

Everyone stared at the wreckage Lusamine's pet had made.

"So what did we learn?"

"That Nihilego is not a lampshade hat?"

"NO! That-actually, you're kinda right."


	8. The Splitting Formula

_Pardon the flimsiness of this one. I'm just saving my energy for the MAIN EVENT._

"Alright. Whaddaya got for me today?"

Elio was at the Antiquities of the Ages shop, trying to find something new.

"Well, we got this shipped in today. It was excavated from the ruins of a region they're trying to rebuild."

The salesman pulled out a prism that glowed with two colors, interacting and swirling about each other.

" _Ooh! A-ow-prism-ouch! Can I-ouch-eat it-ow?"_

"No, Prizma, you can't eat its light. How much for the prism?"

"20,000 Poke."

"Sold."

Elio walked off with his prize, looking at it in curiosity.

"Odd. When light hits this prism, it doesn't come out split in seven, just as a plain ol' Suppin Beam of white light."

He flew off to the observatory to show his find to his friends.

"That IS weird." Sophocles said. "Maybe the way it's built is reorganizing the light back into white?"

Selene walked past the light with a root beer float she was going to put back in the fridge for later. The light beam hit the cup, and it shone with an odd light:one half was red, the other blue, just like the swirling light inside the prism itself. The float was separated back into ice cream and root beer!

"You two saw that, right?"

"Yes. And it is AWESOME! Do you know what this means, man?!"

"What?!"

"We can sort crap without having to actually DO anything!"

"You….That's the best you can think of?!"

"Well, it WORKS!"

"It's RETARDED, that's what it is!"

"YOU'RE RETARDED!"

"If all you can think about is sorting crap with that thing, maybe I should keep it."

"Not on my life, **tubby**."

That REALLY got Sophocles pissed. While the two were busy squabbling about what to do with the prism, Mimi came in and, being the stupid, endearing thing she was, walked in front of the light beam. The result was two Mimis. One was wearing a red dress and was somehow even MORE cute than the original, while the other had crossed eyes and her blue dress was on inside out and backwards.

"Dammit, Mimi."

"Alright. The most I can figure out is this prism turns light into a beam that splits whatever it hits into its two basic components. It works on people too. For example, if you hit either me or Sophocles, you would get a smart me and a snarky me. When the beam hit Mimi, it turned her into her cuteness…"

"Hiiii, Elio!"

"...and her brute strength and stupidity."

He pointed at the blue one, who was repeatedly walking into a wall.

"You guys try to keep them here so i can screw around with this thing so we can fix this.

"That's not-never mind."

Elio shone a light into the prism.

"Alright. So how do I work this?"

He split a glass of strawberry moomoo milk into strawberry syrup and moomoo milk.

"Do i have to hit them both with the light beam at once?"

He hit them both. That just further separated them into fats, water, corn syrup, and strawberry juice.

"Eww. Now what if I hit them after the light bounces off a mirror?"

That just made it worse. After much experimenting, he found out the solution was to hit a split object again.

"I found it! We just have to hit one of the Mimis with the light beam!"

And so they did. They decided to put the prism in the room Elio was trying to figure out how it worked. However, there was a lot of kinds of gunk in there.

"I'm not even gonna ask."

Elio turned to the side and said, "I know this one was rather weak. But there is a HUGE one coming soon!"


	9. Primal Uranium: Part I

_Author's Note: Hoo BOY, this is a big one. It's gonna take up the slots of episodes 9, 10, AND 11! It's KIND of based off the events of the game, but a little different in the timelines department. See, Elio has lived in a LOT of regions in the past. He lived in Tandor BEFORE the events of the game, but left AFTER the Power Plant was detonated by Larkspur, the little bastard. Also, Lucille was just barely found alive before she had to resort to using the CURIE Interface, along with Springfield, the nickname Theo gave Urayne when he was found. Oop! Gotta go! Fartass wants the Tome of Reality back!_

"Hey, guys! Look at this cool thing I found at the Antiquities of the Ages place!"

Elio was holding up a small, shiny, lime green orb to everyone at Aether Paradise.

"Huh. Says here that 'When this orb is held by the beast that controls the green metals, it shall have the power to cover the world in death.'

"So if it's basically the orbs you give to your legendaries, why are you not being possessed by it?" Gladion said.

"I...honestly don't know. Crap, I dropped it! Wait...WHY IS IT FLYING AWAY?!"

"Oh well. Easy come, easy go, I suppose." Selene said.

"NO. I paid 100,000 Poke for this thing. I am NOT just losing it like that."

He let out his Latios.

"Get on, all of you."

"Why do me and the kids have to come?"

"ALL OF YOU."

Latios rocketed off into the sky at an amazing speed after the orb. They chased after it for about eight hours. The orb started to fall around a region with two halves separated by water. It landed in a small town in the left half.

"Hey! We know that place! That's Moki Town DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!"

Meanwhile, someone with red and yellow hair came out of his house. Something green and shiny fell at his feet.

"What the hey is this?"

Latios, toting Elio, Selene, Sophocles, the Aethers, and Mimi on his back, landed in Moki Town.

"Where'd it go, where'd it-AHA! There it is! Give it back!"

"What the-No, dude! It's mine! It fell out of the sky!"

"That's because it flew here and I was chasing it!"

"You honestly expect me to believe that."

"It's MINE!" He lunged at the kid with red and yellow hair. They fought on the ground for a bit until Elio emerged victorious with the orb.

"Alright, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Guys, this is our old friend Theo. He's a fellow Champion. (And I would be if it weren't for that stupid Electruxo.) Theo, guys."

"Oh, hey! Elio! Selene! How you guys been?"

'We've been good. These are our friends, Lillie, Gladion, Sophocles, Mimi, and Lusamine."

"Ohhh! So those are the people in that postcard you sent me! But who's the one with the pigtails?"

"Well, about that...come here for a second." He whispered in Theo's ear.

"The kid with the pigtails isn't a kid at all. That's Mimi, a robot I built. It is TOP priority you don't let her find that out."

"Oh. OH, i see. That makes sense."

"What were you guys talking about?"

"The you-know-what, sis."

"Oh. Gotcha. So how's Springfield?"

"He kept getting sadder and sadder the longer Mrs Lucille was out, so I let him free."

Elio knew this was a touchy subject, but he decided to go on it anyway. "How's Mrs...L-"

"I was actually about to tell you! SHE'S OKAY!"

"WHAT?! She was in a coma when I moved away!"

"I know! It's a miracle!"

Someone with a lab coat and blue hair walked out of the other house.

"Theo, can you-ELIO!"

She gave Elio a big hug. Though the lady looked frail, that didn't stop her from near crunching Elio.

"URK! Choking….me…." His face was turning purple.

"It's been so long! I'm all better now! Isn't that great? Wait...who are the other ones? And you caught a LATIOS?!"

"Hi!" Lillie said.

"Hmph." Gladion said.

"'Sup." Sophocles said

"Obligatory exposition comment!" Lusamine said.

"All right! Now that everyone's caught up with everyone we can-UMPH!"

Elio's Bag was tugging him at the point the green orb was and there was a green glow coming from it.

"What the?!- Why is it still moving around?"

"Maybe it wants to go somewhere. It IS pointing to the first major city on this half of Tandor."

"We should go there to calm this thing down. Wanna come with?"

"We got nothing better to do. Why not, for old times' sake?"

"...so while you were gone, I've been hammering out some of the kinks in the CURIE suit."

"So you made it so that it's autonomous and programmed the robot inside to rescue people trapped in hazard zones? That's awesome!"

"We made it! Nowtoch City!"

"But it's still pulling me! This time towards...ugh...THE CAVE."

Ominous thunder sounded as Elio said that.

"What the-There isn't a cloud in the sky!"

As they went into the cave, Elio forgot to bring repels and was covered in a pile of Tonemy as soon as he took one step in.

"Aw, f***."

As soon as they crawled out of the cave, everyone's team was blindsided by those stupid Tonemy. The orb started pulling towards the other half of Tandor.

"All….right…" Elio panted. "I think….that's enough...adventure...for one day. Whaddaya say….we go find...a place to sleep?"

"Just give me a second." Lucille said. " I need to..er...do a thing."

"That's not at all suspicious, but okay."

When Lucille was doing her thing in privacy, she whipped out her Pokegear.

"All right. We un-poisoned everyone, plotted out all the possible places the orb could go to, and killed some more Tonemy for revenge. Now all we need to do is-"

Someone tapped Elio on the shoulder.

"Oh come on, I've already had enough hell for one….uh….what was I talking about again?"

There was another trainer with slightly brown skin (think the brownest model from X and Y) who had close cut brown hair and green eyes and was wearing the CURIE suit kind of like a hoodie. Elio, Gladion and Sophocles were drooling a little bit. Hoo boy.

"I needed to go do that thing so I could surprise you! This is Marie, which is the robot that I put in the CURIE suit."

"Uh huh...heh heh...uhhhh…"

"Hello. It's nice to meet you all."

"Duhhh…heh heh..." all four boys said in unison.

"Hmm. I'm not so sure I like you."

"No, no! We were just thinking about something funny! In unison!"

"Oh, no you don't! I saw her first!"

"I'm calling rank! I'm the Champion of this region!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'M the Champion of the Alola region!"

"Stop it, both of you! Clearly, she would want to be with the more sensible one among you buffoons."

"Wanna take this outside, **t u b b** **y** **?** "

"Yeah, and I'm gonna kick your ass! Then Marie can see I'm CLEARLY the strongest!"

"What, so you two can prove one of you is the strongest without giving ME a fair chance?! Nucleotide is going to rape you good!"

"I need to teach you idiots humility. Though I won't deny I want in on this too."

Moments later, the four boys were outside at each others' throats, fighting with various Legendary Pokemon.

"Why is everyone fighting?" Mimi asked.

"Wow. I never thought this would happen to my edgy borb brother of all people."

"I know, right? It's an Arceus-ordained miracle!"

During the night, two suspicious things happened. One was that Marie left in the dead of night without leaving a trace. The other was that an ominous shadow loomed over Mimi with a wrench and a strange bag.

 _ **To Be Continued.. (Dun-du-dududun-dudu-dudu-dudu...Da-da-da-da-dadada, da-da-da-dadada!)**_


	10. Primal Uranium: Part II

Mimi woke up floating in a world of white.

"Huh? Where am I? Elio? Selene?"

She swam towards a strange white bar.

"Oh jeez, I gotta get home! What does this do?"

She poked the bar and a keyboard dropped down.

"Oh, so it's a search thingy! 'I'm Feeling Lucky?' I could use a little luck, I guess."

She tapped the button and a whole mesh of strange tube-things popped up.

"Wow! There's a whole lot of stuff! Now, what did Elio want me to remember?"

She thought for a moment.

" _How many times do I have to tell you not to stick stuff in the socket?"_

"No, that's not it. Do you have any idea what Elio wanted me to remember, Elio?"

" _I dunno. I'm just a clever metaphor for the abject process of thought."_

The thought bubble poofed out of existence.

"Darn. Hmm…Oh! I got it! He said not to go up the tubes that lead to the websites with the ladies with the funny outfits!"

"All right. I added the internet upgrade. It's taking a bit for it to sync up with her body, leaving her trapped in a sort of dream world."

Everyone was crowded around Mimi, whose eyes showed the beach ball of doom and she was unmoving.

"Hey guys, has anyone seen Marie? She just vanished when I woke up this morning."

All four boys looked at each other.

"NOOOOOOOO!" they all said in unison.

Suddenly, Mimi woke up from her internet dream.

"Wow, I had one crazy dream last night! There was some sort of search bar thingy and then it made a bunch of tubes. There were a bunch that led to those websites you told me not to go on."

"I never told you that."

"Yes you did!"

"Sophocles, could you come over here for a second?"

The two started whispering to each other.

"I never told her that! Do you know what this means, man?!" he said with a look of pure glee.

"...yes I do." He pulled out a massive mallet from his back pocket. Don't worry, Mimi, this won't hurt a bit."

"NO! And where did you get that?! It looks like something out of that webcomic!"

"The one with the magic and the alien hybrid furry?"

"Yes, that one!"

"Well, when Moonbeam was still a baby Cosmog, I took a little bit of gas from him and used it to build a sort of dimensional rift JUUST big enough to fit in my back pocket and wide enough for my fat little T-Rex arms to reach though. This way, I can reach anything where the other portal is, which happens to be in my garage."

"Oh. But it MEANS that her ROM memory must have altered itself to make a memory of me telling her not to go onto hentai websites! She's getting SMART!"

"Oh. Well, I guess I don't need THIS right now." He chucked the mallet over his shoulder. Someone shouted "My leg!" in the distance.

"All right! The orb seems to want to go to Amatree , so that's where we're going next. Sophocles, do you by chance have any bug spray in your garage?"

"On it." He grabbed into the rift."

"That's a Repel."

"You said you wanted bug spray!"

"REPELS AND BUG SPRAY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT-look never mind, let's just get on with it.

Meanwhile, off the coast of Bealbeach City, a certain someone was hacking through the overgrown part of the detonated Power Plant.

"I know it was here...I saw it…"

In a small clearing, a little green alien-like thing had a bunch of glowing green Pokemon around it."

"Aha! There you are!"

" _what? why are you here? are you my friend? why can't i talk to you?_ "

"Oh. Right. Gotta put the helmet on. Apparently, Urayne can't talk to inorganic matter. Attention, UO92. My name is Marie. You must come with me immediately."

" _w-what? nnooo! no! i can't leave! lucille is still in bed! i put her there! it's my fault! guys...help me…"_

All of the glowy green Pokemon snarled and hissed and turned towards Marie. A green wave came from the mask part of her outfit. All of the Nuclear Pokemon turned tail (or rather, tails, since most of them were Tanscure) and ran for the hills.

"Much better. Now, you are coming with me."

Urayne tried to teleport away using Quantum Leap, but Marie threw a Nuclear Ball before it could get away.

"Yes! Now, I have to take this back to Lucille."

A glowing Nupin cuddled up against her and looked at her pleadingly with its eye.

"Go on now. Shoo! Get!"

The Nupin oozed up her body and crawled into her Bag. She heard a Pokeball popping open.

"Hmm. I guess I'll just give this little guy to that Elio kid."

Meanwhile, our heroes were trudging through a hot, sticky forest: the Baykal.

"Ooh! I've never seen these kinds of berries! What do they do?"

Mimi plucked a berry off the nearest tree.

"NO! If you touch that spot on the Guara Berry, it-"

The Berry popped open forcefully and left Mimi covered in reddish juice and seeds.

"...spontaneously combusts. I was afraid of this."

Later on, they came to another cave.

"AAH! No! I am NOT getting poisoned by any more Tonemy!" Theo yelled.

He ran behind a tree.

"Relax, will ya? This cave only has a bunch of bugs in it, remember?"

"Oh. Heh heh...i knew that."

The eight of them walked into the cave. It was covered in a bunch of spiderwebs and Smore, Sponee, and Tricwe were all over the place.

"Hey! Look at that one! I think that's a female, they're really rare!"

Selene chucked an Ultra Ball at the Tricwe.

"I think I'm gonna name you...Monarch."

They noticed that a part of the cave was filled with Firoke, Sponaree, and Harylect. The bugs were glaring at them and snapping their pincers as if to say, " _Move along, nothing to see here, punks."_

As they walked out of the cave, a tree fell and nobody noticed. Lillie was walking right under where the tree was about to fall. Elio noticed just in time.

"LOOK OUT!" He lunged at Lillie and tackled her to the ground as the tree fell.

"OH, MY BABY! Are you okay?! Do you feel lightheaded? Off-balance? How many fingers am I holding up?!"

"I'm fine, Mother. T-thanks, I guess, Elio."

"Oh, please. It was nothing. I do that crap all the time!"

Elio and Lillie looked at each other and started blushing.

" _Oh my Arceus, is she in love with me?!"_

" _You know, I think I don't like rocky road ice cream. Wow, Elio's HOT."_

It was at this moment that Elio looked down at his hands and saw that they were on Lillie's...assets.

He started flailing his hands around and running in circles.

"EWW EWW EWW! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!

"It's okay, Elio! It was an accident!"

Some more of the elemental bugs swarmed the downed tree and dragged it back into the cave.

"Hmm. Curious."

"What?"

"I've never seen any of the elemental insects in this number outside the Anthell."

Eventually, they arrived at Amatree Town.

"All right. It's pulling towards the other half of Tandor. But where?"

Everyone heard a loud THWAP similar to a whip.

"...I think it wants us to go to Silverport Town. What do you think, Mimi? Mimi?"

Everyone looked behind them and saw Mimi was gone. There was a trail of webbing leading back into the Baykal.

"Aw crap! What happened to Mimi?! Stay put! We're coming for ya!"

The web trail led back into the mass of elemental insects blocking something off.

"Aw crap! What do we do now?"

Death Ray's ball started shaking violently.

" _I think I can help with this."_ he said telepathically.

There was a sickening CRUNCH and a swath of crushed insect corpses were were the obstacle once stood.

"All right! We didn't need that old bug spray anyway, just the massive foot of Behemoth! Now let's go save our robo-friend!"

Everyone dashed into the catacombs of the Anthell. At the end there was a horrifying sight; thousands of human skeletons wrapped up in webs! And it looked like Mimi was next on the menu!

"AAH! Stay put! I'm coming for ya, kiddo!"

"Elio, she's wrapped up in a bunch of spider webbing. She HAS to stay put."

Just then, a monstrous Bug Pokemon crawled out of a hole. It had a big green thorax and six pairs of wings representing its underlings Firoke, Harylect, and Sponaree: red, yellow and blue. It was none other than…..THE SEIKAMATER!

Seikamater scuttled towards the web Mimi was entangled in. She hissed triumphantly and the rest of her insect minions took up the chant. She slooowly opened her mandibles to take a fresh bite of Trainer….

….and with an anticlimactic CLINK, nothing happened. Seikamater looked at Mimi with her six eyes in bewilderment. She snapped and snapped at Mimi, but nothing happened still. This continued until the sharp part of one of her mandibles was broken off. She screeched in pain and started untying Mimi.

"Metal doesn't make good bug chow, huh? Booyah!"

Suddenly, the elemental insects started swarming Seikamater.

"What the-?!"

 ***Seikamater used Heal Order!***

When the swarm cleared, Seikamater's pincers were good as new and even more razor sharp than before.

"SCREEEAAAAAAH!"

She started to charge Elio.

"Well, we know how to end this. Go! Death Ray!"

It was at this moment the Seikamater knew….she f***ed up. She was now facing the mighty Continent Pokemon (no, not the turtle), that, in its Primal state, was almost 1.5 times her size and 1.5 times her weight.

Groudon put on a devious grin. Seikamater was looking at the massive lava beast towering above her with an expression that seemed to say "Oh, _F***._ "

Groudon stomped Seikamater into a bug pancake with a mighty _CRUNCH_. The elemental insects scattered at the loss of their queen. There was a strange creamy blob where the Seikamater once stood. Elio picked it up.

 ***You obtained the Royal Jelly!***

"Well, we did that. Next stop: Silverport Town!"

Meanwhile, a certain someone flew back to the Pokemon Center our heroes were at last.

"Darn, they're gone. I guess I'll just go into Elio's account and leave this little Nupin there.

She looked at the Nuclear Ball which held Alpha Urayne.

"I was built to protect people from nuclear disaster zones...but all the plants are safe. How will I know if I can even succeed at my task?"

She thought for a moment. Then she got an idea so brilliant, one could almost see the light bulb going off.

"If I can use Urayne to MAKE a nuclear disaster zone, then I'll know if i truly CAN save people! I don't mean to hurt anyone, so it's all good!"

Uh oh…

"All right! Silverport To-AAH! COLD COLD COLD!"

Everyone had flew to the next location the orb wanted to go.

"You should have dressed cool and warm like I do, bro."

Mimi saw a quick flash of green and brown in the hills.

"Wow! What was that?!"

"You think it was-"

"It couldn't be!"

"It HAS to be!"

"What?"

"GARLIKID!" Elio and Theo screamed in unison

"Huh?"

"A few years ago, when we lived back here, we saw the thing once, flying over our half of Tandor. It's a Legendary!"

"Wow! I saw a Legendary Pokemon other than one Elio had caught! Cause you're awesome like that."

"Aww, thanks!"

"Hey guys, what's this lab?"

"Oookay timetogonowcomeonguyswe'releaving!"

"What's gotten into you, Lucille?"

"That's Larkspur's lab! As in, the guy who supervised the U092 project?"

"Never heard of him."

"Where the Power Plant exploded and I was almost killed?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"THE GUY WHO BLEW UP THE GODDAMN POWER PLANT?!"

"Sophocles, do you have, like, some work gloves in your garage? I'm gonna slap this bastard hard."

Everyone walked into the lab.

"Hmph. Better than ever, I see, Lucille. It would have been better if that power plant had killed you and Urayne, but no matter."

Mimi started running around and touching stuff.

"Alright, who let the brat in here?"

Elio started whispering in Larkspur's ear about the thing.

"Hm? Oh. I see. Interesting…"

"Well, we spent enough time screwing around here of all places. It's high time we get going to the next place the orb wants."

Everyone ran out of the lab.

"Interesting….yes."

On their way out, some people were blocking the way to Mt. Lanthanite.

"Excuse me! Could we get through, please."

"You got something da boss wants."

"What the-"

The goons knocked everyone out and dragged them away.

 _ **To Be Continued.. (Dun-du-dududun-dudu-dudu-dudu...Da-da-da-da-dadada, da-da-da-dadada!)**_


	11. Primal Uranium: Part III

Elio woke up in a prison cell with all of the other boys.

"Ugh...ow...my head….where ARE we?"

"I don't know, man." Theo said. "All of our stuff AND our Pokemon are gone! How do we get out?!"

"I dunno about us. But I know how to bust Selene out!"

He took a deep breath and screamed, "AURORA BOREALIS?!"

"What are you doing?" Gladion asked.

"AT THIS TIME OF DAY-"

"Shut up, you idiot! You're going to get us-"

"AT THIS TIME OF YEAR-"

"The guards are coming! Shut up!"

"AT THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY-"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

"LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN?!"

"We're doomed. Thank you, Elio."

A loud crash was heard from deeper in the hallway. The guards rushed off to investigate it.

"Yes!"

"May I ask what you were doing back there, bro?" Sophocles asked.

"Selene HATES Steamed Hams. And when she gets angry-"

"She smashes things?"

"Yes. I was hoping this would happen. Selene! We're in here!"

The girls, save for Mimi, ran over to Elio's cell.

"Where's Mimi?!"

"I don't know! She was the only one who wasn't in our cell!"

Mimi was lying on a cot in a dark room with her shirt off (but not what was under it.)

"Where am I? Elio? Selene?"

"Oh, you don't need to worry a bit about your friends. Just relax and let me take care of everything." said a voice from the dark.

It was that Professor Larkspur guy. He rubbed his hand over Mimi's stomach.

"Heehee! That tickles!"

"Now, where did these blasted brats put the hatch? I know it's here somewhere, so I'll just keep pressing until I find-Aha!"

He pressed a certain area on Mimi's stomach. A large rectangle glowed blue and a hatch popped open.

"Well, I expected this to be shoddy work, but I was certainly wrong! If I can reverse engineer the child, I can make a fortune!"

Mimi started screaming something about how earwax looks like peanut butter.

"...as soon as I get some earmuffs."

"What are we gonna do? Neither of us have our Pokemon!"

"Yes, but you guys are free."

"You don't mean-"

"It's all up to you, sis."

"Nonono! I'm never the one in front! I just stay behind and-"

"Hush. You can do this! Just be as stealthy as possible! Our Bags should be at the room we came in! I BELIEVE IN YOU!"

"Hm. What's this thing?"

"That is a Nucleon, Lillie. It evolves from Eevee when you have a Nuclear Pokemon."

"Why are we rummaging through the boys bags again?"

"Exposition."

"That makes sense."

"Do we bring the boys' bags back or do we get out?"

"NEITHER."

"What? Also, I reeeally don't like the look in your eyes right now."

"See this Nucleon?"

Selene picked up Nucleotide, who started hissing and struggling a little bit.

"We're going to find Larkspur and do something very horrible to him with this."

"But where is he?"

"Probably in that room that was locked when we came in."

The four busted into the locked room.

Selene held Nucleotide up. Nucleotide opened his mouth and a small orb of green energy started charging up. A powerful green beam hit Larkspur. When it cleared off, all that was left was a charred lab coat and a little bit of ash.

"You know, we have a real problem with brutally killing lesser villains. We really should stop that."

Selene looked for Mimi and saw the maintenance hatch was open.

"Oh...oh my Arceus. Elio is gonna have a real problem when we get out.

"Back when we were in that bad man's secret place, I learned there's a funny door on my tummy. It has a bunch of green line thingies in it. It's weird. I wonder what it means?"

There was no getting out of it this time. Elio had to tell her.

"Mimi….you're a robot. A robot who we have no idea of their true potential and shows us something new and awesome almost every day."

"W-what?"

"I'm sorry I kept this for you for so long. I just wanted to keep you happy."

"W-what do you mean, Elio? I-I'm not a robot, right? I can't be! I don't understand! How can I be a robot?! I...I don't...I can't...I..I..can't...can't….don't...c-c-c-c-c-c ERROR."

"W-what's going on?"

Mimi was twitching while sparking and popping sounds were coming from the back of her neck.

"E-E-ERROR ERROR ERROR. GIVEN DATA DOES NOT COMPUTE WITH KNOWN DATA. ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! CRITICAL EQUIPMENT IN CENTRAL CPU OVERHEATING! SHUTTING DOWN TO PREVENT FURTHER DAMAGE! ErRoR! Erroooorrrrr..."

Her eyes turned to small blue screens of death and she keeled over backwards, jaw slack.

"What have you done, you monster?!"

"It...it's no problem. I can just turn her back on again. Right?"

Elio reached under Mimi's wrist for a tiny blue button under her skin that looked sort of like a vein. He pressed it and...nothing happened?

"C'mon….c'mon...No. NONONO! She's DEAD! SWEET ARCEUS, I KILLED HER! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!"

"Pull it together, man!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! It isn't like we can just waltz into the goddamn Pokemon Center and tell the nurse, 'Oh, we need to repair our robot friend.' SHE'S DEAD, MAN! I KILLED MY OWN CREATION! Sniffle….WAAAAAAH!"

"Elio, calm down. If we can just fly back to my house, I'm sure we can try and fix her."

Meanwhile, Marie had eight shiny things in her hand and was using Lucille's Aveden to fly to the League.

"I grabbed these to get in. I'm sure Lucille won't mind. I'll just return them after the testing."

As she got through the badge check, she was told to register for the tournament to get in.

"Ohhhh! I didn't want to battle anyone! Darn. I guess I'll just have to use Urayne."

Meanwhile, Mimi woke up in that same Internet dream.

"W-what? Where am I? The last thing I remember was Elio telling me that I...I...I'm not real."

She looked at her hands and started sobbing.

"Why? Why did he-hold...hold on. Mimi, let's try and *SNIFFLE* try and think about the good side of this."

"Well, I think this is the internet. So there's that. Wait..let me try something."

After much effort, she managed to rip her own arm off, with little bits of wire and false flesh hanging off. The arm then relocated itself good as new.

"So this means….I'M INVINCIBLE?!"

She started doing happy backflips in the Internet void.

"Wowie! I can't wait to abuse this in all sortsa funny ways! Oh no, i gotta get home first! Seems easy enough."

She walked off the screen, then came back on the other border.

"What the-?! Okay, let me try again."

She rushed off the screen and came skidding back on the other border.

"AAAH! I GOTTA GET HOME! LET ME OUT! Oh wait, If YOU let me out, I'd probably dissipate at worst and be trapped in another dimension at best. Now, how do I contact my buddies?"

She thought for a moment.

"Maybe I can find something up here in these gray squares?"

She tapped the gray squares and a dropdown popped up saying, "You do not have a Gmail Account yet. Create an account?"

"Maybe this will help? Seems like my best bet."

She got to work creating an account.

"All right! I think I can email Elio with this. I don't think I'll be able to talk back, though."

Mimi was lying on a cot, arms spread out, eyes closed. No, she wasn't trying to assert her dominance. If you had READ the damn story, you would know she suffered a fatal error and everyone else was trying to revive her. Sheesh, idiot.

"Elio?"

"Yes?"

"You have a message."

"WHY DOES THAT MATTER?! I'm TRYING to revive my friend! If we don't, we'll have to rebuild her, but the SD card data could be corrupted and...and...I'm sorry…"

"It's flashing and saying it's an urgent email from Mimi."

"I will find this person and rip them apart."

"HELLO. THIS IS MIMI."

"MIMI! Oh, thank Arceus, she's alive! I'm so happy I could...I DON'T KNOW!"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, BUT I HAVE COME TO GRIPS WITH ME BEING A ROBOT. IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY NEAT. BEFORE I SHUT DOWN, I CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET AND MADE AN EMAIL ADDRESS, SO I CAN TALK TO YOU ONE WAY."

"So you like being you? See, Sophocles? I told you my baby was getting much smarter!"

"Eh, technically, she's not a baby, she's programmed to be the same age as us: 11. And if she WAS a baby, she'd be OUR baby."

"Quiet, you."

"I HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON."

"We're doing our best. Hang tight!"

"So why'd she suffer a fatal error anyways?"

"My guess? She couldn't comprehend what was going on and the most crucial wires in her system overheated: the ones in her neck. Then she shut down to prevent further damage and cool off."

Meanwhile, Marie was preparing some sort of miniature reactor. She let Springfield out of his new ball.

"All right, little guy. This should let you have almost unlimited power! Then we can see what I can really do!"

Springfield whimpered and pressed into the corner.

"Don't be scared, little guy! Here, why don't you hold it."

When Springfield held the reactor, he turned from his Alpha forme to his Beta forme. Because of the size change, he had trouble cowering back into the wall.

"There you go! Now, if my calculations are correct, when you reach _half health,_ you should turn into Gamma forme. I won't heal you, so at the final battle, you'll have accumulated enough damage to do that."

"She's waking up. Guys! Get in here!"

Everyone, including Theo and Lucille, crowded around the cot to see Mimi reboot. She stared at her surroundings for a while, then lunged at Elio and gave him a flying tackle hug.

"ELIO!"

"OW! Yes, yes, I'm happy to see you too, Mimi, now lay off me! The problem with this kid is that there's literally no setting between 'HIGH' and 'OFF'. I really should patch that in."

"I'm back! Did you miss me, everyone?"

"Ehhh…" Sophocles thought about all the times Mimi had caused something to blow up. "I guess I missed something spontaneously combusting in my face every five minutes."

"I missed you too, Mimi! I felt like there was a hole in me. Your cuteness is like one of those heat lamps they use on pet Dragon-types!"

"I didn't." Gladion said, which elicited a lot of dirty looks. "Okay, maybe a little."

"Thank Arceus. Now I can stop trying to drown my sorrows in toxins worrying about you."

"Amazing! You've only been out for two days and you're back at it again! Teach me, o master."

"Mrs Lucille, it's a simple process. You of all people should know this."

"Alright, we got that taken care of, where to next?"

The orb started pulling towards the top of Mount Actinite.

"The CHAMPIONSHIP SITE?! THis better be the last stop, you stupid tennis ball."

"Alright! We made it! And if I have to go anywhere else, I will lash out and cut you all, so this better be the LAST. FRIGGIN. STOP."

"That would explain the bags under your eyes, bro."

"It...IT'S A MIRACLE. The orb stopped entirely! We're here!"

"Why did it want us to go to the Championship Site?"

"I don't know. Maybe we can figure it out...with FOCUS PUNCHES."

"A good old fashioned championship run? I missed ya, buddy! Great Champions think alike!"

As they Steamrollered their way through the championships, they saw one of the icons for one of the contestants was merely a shadowy icon.

"What's up with that one?"

"Probably a newbie. Just wants to keep themselves low until they hit the semifinals."

The last matchup was Elio and co. against the mysterious person. As they walked into the room in the center of the volcano, they saw something...odd. The mysterious person had a hoodie over their face and was in possession of Urayne!

"Wha-How-WHO ARE YOU?!"

The mysterious person took the hood off their head. It was Marie?!

"Hi guys!"

"What are you doing?! Never mind, whatever the hell it is, I'm having none of it. Come on out, Brain Grub!"

*Brain Grub used Psycho Cut!*

*It's super effective!*

"Oh! Thank you so, so much for that, Elio! I mean, I had a plan and all, because Urayne's true power only comes forth at half health, but he had barely gotten scuffed up during my fights. Thanks to that Psycho Cut, Urayne is gonna help me help the world!"

Urayne started glowing green...and then the glow died.

"What? NO! It has to work!"

"Sorry, but no dice. Now, what the hell were you doing?"

Suddenly, the orb ripped a hole through Elio's Bag. It floated towards the ring on Urayne's head and he started to glow again. When the glow died for real, everyone was looking at a green creature with six wings and a core with the orb inside it. Green dust began to emanate from its wings.

"So that's what the inscription meant." Elio said in a small voice.

"Everyone, get out of here, immediately! Gamma Urayne naturally produces fallout, enough to destroy the entire region!"

"What are we gonna do?! We don't have any sort of hazard protection!"

"I got us covered."

Lucille pulled out a small teal cube.

"This is the Radioactivity Shielding Envoy, or RSE for short. It creates a protective bubble around all of us that renders us immune to radiation!"

"Well, what are you waiting for?! Turn it on before we all get fried!"

"Ehh...One problem. It's not an exact science, so we only have _five minutes_ before it dies and takes us along with it."

"WHO CARES?! Turn it on!"

Lucille pressed a button on the cube. A small shield formed around the group.

"Marie! What are you doing?!"

"What you built me to do, Miss Lucille! I'm seeing if I can save people from a nuclear fallout! That's what I was meant for, right?"

"No! No no no! Not like this!"

"I know that! It's just a test run!"

"Okay, I'm pretty sure the bigger problem is Springfield." Theo said.

"Springfield, old buddy?! Can you still talk to me telepathically?! Can you please try and cut down on the radiation output?!"

" _i'm sorry! i can't do anything about it! it just keeps coming out! can't….stop…"_

"Okay. The way I see it, we need to throw all our Pokemon at this thing, as it has a BST higher than God itself, but is weak to everything BUT itself."

Everyone let out all the Pokemon they had on them. A few started fainting due to being rather low on HP and being pummeled by the fallout.

"All right, everyone! Strongest attack! LET'S GO!"

All the Pokemon punched, crunched, and slashed with all their might. The special attackers shot many different beams and balls. With all of their efforts combined, Urayne was felled.

" _thank….you..."_

"YES! Now, Marie, what the hell were you doing with Urayne?!"

"What you told me to! I was using Urayne to make fallout! Then I could see if I really could save everyone!"

Lucille took a deep, shaky breath. "...I-I'm sorry, Marie."

She advanced towards Marie and reached towards her neck.

"Is that my-No. NO! Please, don't do this! I'm sorry!"

"It-it's for the best."

She pressed a certain spot on Marie's neck and her eyes closed and she slumped forwards.

"I'm sorry, Lucille." Elio said

"It'll probably work out better the next time, right?"

"What do we do with the chassis?"

"I think it'd be safer in your hands."

"Bye, guys! It was nice to see you again after so long!"

"You too! Take care, guys!"

As Elio and co. flew off on the Latios, Selene slugged him hard on the arm.

"OW! What the hell was that for?!"

"You are never going to that store again. If you do, I will ensure Mimi punches you in the balls.

 _ **Fin. (neon)**_


	12. The Llama

While Mimi was wandering around aimlessly, she found a pure red Pokeball.

"Ooh! I wonder what's in here!"

She pressed the button and a massive golden llama looking thing came tumbling out onto the ground, sleeping.

"Wow! What's this Pokemon? Maybe Elio knows what it is."

She walked up the mountain back to the observatory.

"Hey Elio! I found this llama thing when I was out. What Pokemon is this?"

Elio's jaw dropped.

"Th-tha-bu-bu...b...b..b..th..that…."

Selene and Sophocles walked into the room and started babbling incoherently as well.

"Wha-how-WHAT IN THE NAME OF ARCEUS ARE YOU DOING WITH WELL, ARCEUS?!"

"Arcewhat?"

"Okay, I know I should have programmed this information into you when I made you, but ARCEUS. IS. GOD. There is no stronger force in the universe than Arceus, because he created it. Period. Man, I never thought I would get to meet the god of the universe. AND he's shiny!"

"What's he doing here, then?"

"I really have no idea."

" _Zzsnrk...why yes, I would like some more doughnuts…"_

"Who said that?"

Everyone turned around and saw Arceus was wiggling around in his sleep with a little godly spit bubble inflating and deflating as he snoozed.

"He must be having a weird dream."

"Awakening?"

"Awakening."

Elio spritzed the Awakening in Arceus' face, popping his snot bubble and waking him up.

" _SNRK! What the-SON OF A ****ING *****! IT GOT RIGHT IN MY ****ING EYES! WHY?!"_

"You okay, Lord Arceus?"

" _RASSAFLASSARATINGSONOFAMOTHER***ING-"_

Elio grabbed a towel and wiped Arceus' eyes off.

" _Aah...that feels SO much better. Thank you, Jace."_

"Jace? I know no such person. I'm Elio, dude."

" _What? Oh, I suppose he must have gone and dropped my ball somewhere. AGAIN. Anyway, as you know, I am Arceus, god of all creation. But, you may call me Fartass if you wish."_

"The-The god of the universe….is named FARTASS?!" Sophocles said. He then doubled over laughing.

" _Laughing at my name, are you? Well, let's see if you're laughing after this! JUDGEMENT: ZAP PLATE! HRRAAAAGH!"_

A glowing void opened up over Sophocles' head and spat out countless shots of light. When the smoke cleared, Sophocles was covered in soot and his hair was sticking out funny.

"Pain." he croaked, and then keeled over backwards.

"Um, so Lord….Fartass, what are you doing here?"

" _I believe I was hit by Spore with Jace, my disciple and trainer. He must have forgotten me when he was on his way to heal me. I thank your small, hyperactive child friend for finding me."_

"Oh, I'm not a kid, Mister Arceus! I'm a robot! See?"

Mimi popped off her own head and threw it with such accuracy that it ricocheted about the observatory for a bit, then landed back on her neck.

"Ta-da!"

" _Impressive! Sometimes, human technology gets a good chuckle out of me."_

Suddenly a small portal opened up. A black Trainer clad all in white walked out of it. That trainer was me

"THERE you are, dude! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Excuse me, but...who are you?"

"Why, I am the almighty Jace Lindsay, of course!"

"Even more so than he is?"

"Er….Yes and no. You see, when I was 9, Arceus decided that when he died, a human should take over the universe as the divine creator. He saw I was pure of heart and chose me for this duty."

"Heh...duty."

"Now, now, let me finish. Arceus bestowed some of his powers on me, and I am his disciple, learning about the way the universe is run so when that fateful day comes, I can take up the call. Arceus lets me practice in something called the Tome of Reality, which makes whatever is written in it come true. This is called a _fanfiction_. In fact, I'm not even here, just writing the fanfiction as we speak!"

"Can you write about me getting Big Nuggets?"

"Oh, fine. But only because I like you!"

A pile of Big Nuggets materialized and crushed Elio.

"SCORE!"

"Alright, I suppose we best be going back to the Hall of Beginning. Bye! It was nice to meet you!"


End file.
